Meeting the Dean

* Many years ago, when I was a second year Law student in Leeds University, I received a letter requesting me to meet the Dean of the Faculty of Law. I procrastinated for as long as possible - two weeks - before finally meeting him. I was reminded of how different Mr Brownlee was from the person I first imagined him to be when I read my old journal. I thought Dr Brownlee the Dean would be a 'mean old beardy man', yet the person I met was quite young, handsome in a 'bookish' way many professors are, with thick brown hair and beard and surprise,surprise a very easy man to talk to. 

Here's an excerpt from my journal, dated May 21, 1997.

"How do one prepare to meet a Dean? I didn't do any preparation. Only that I expected some grumbles and gruffles from a mean old beardy man. Oh my - I only got the beardy part correct - the rest can really be disputed.

He started with the usual stuff -  why am I so late in responding to the letter, why am I not making the most of the faculty's teaching facility and what nots. He sternly told me that should I fail to see him, he would've written a letter to the Exams Syndicate, asking them to de-bar  me from the exams. Alhamdulillah , I am thankful and grateful that Allah made me see him then.

I felt lousy upon entering his room, but I definitely felt better went upon exiting. Not necessarily feeling good, but at least not as lousy as when I first entered the room. Well, I guess BT is right - it's definitely good to talk (Note: "It's good to talk" used to be British Telecom's tagline)

I don't remember how exactly it started. One moment Dr Brownlee made a remark on how unhappy I seemed and the next thing I knew I took his advice to spill it out. That I did.

I went on and on. Telling him how I despise law, how I hate law, how each time I open law books I would only shut them back because I couldn't stand them. How I always went blank for a few minutes whenever I faced law questions, suspecting that I have a mental block of sort against law.

I bared to him how painful it is to do something that you hate and yet you just have to do it because you don't have much choice. There's your deal with your parents - to study law in UK. Your obligations to the sponsor. Your responsibility as the eldest in the family, especially not to upset your parents again what with your brother did just that by dropping out. Your obligations towards your people, your country, your brothers and sisters in Islam to uphold their good names.

And how sometimes it hurt so deeply because not many are ready to listen when I pleaded them to. They  persuaded me to go on, not to quit - but they never really understand me. And most of all, how conflicted I felt in all this.

"Ooh... you are in the wrong course, aren't you?"
How true.

Unlike a trained counsellor, Dr Brownlee didn't just listen and analyze things. He did a big no-no for a counsellor - he advised me.

Told me to pull myself through if I wanted to go on with the course - and it seemed that I have to. So I have to make the most of what's availabe to help myself out. It would be a pity to drop out in a course when one's already two third of the way.

Then he told me that law was also not his first choice. Had he been given a choice to re-do it, he'd taken up History instead. But he went on with his headmaster's wish and he pulled through. He'd forgotten all about how it hurt then.

"Twelve months come and they go. They really go. When it's all over, you'll forget this bitter part..."

He said, if I could've pulled through until this stage, he was sure that I could make it to the end. I just have to start opening those books (which are sitting like ornaments on my desk) and work hard again. That's the price I have to pay, at least for the time being.

He recommended me to talk to a counsellor at the University Student Counselling Service - and he personally recommended me to see a Ms Marian Sedley.

"No magic solutions, but she might help you to consider the options you have now"
I took the USCS brochure he offered and agreed to go see a counsellor. He also offered to talk to Mr Passey (my personal tutor) on my behalf, to explain the difficulty I'm having right now in doing law.

Dr Brownlee is indeed a nice bloke - notwithstanding his brown beard and stern looking face. I actually cried when I talked to him - the tears just went gushing down. A bit embarrassing really, but sometimes it's good to cry too...I never realised until then, how talking to someone on the faculty could actually help."

* He was right - Twelve months came and went. They really went. But I never forget 'that bitter part'. Not really. Alhamdulillah - it had only helped to make me a 'stronger' person. At least I managed to graduate with honours. So Mak really should not be comparing me getting a 2nd Class lower  with her also getting a 2nd Class lower despite the huge differences in our SPM results (her a 2nd grader and me a single digit aggregate). He he he.